CCST3K(Season Four)#35-Bubblegum Card Ep. 3.1415

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*

(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

(The future isn't what it used to be....)

"CARD CAPTOR SCIENCE THEATER 3000" (SEASON FOUR)

EPISODE 35: BUBBLEGUM CARD-EP.3.1415

(A Bubblegum Crisis/X-Men MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment

purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or

trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

“Card Captor Sakura” is a trademark of CLAMP and those who distribute it.

“Buublegum Crisis” is the property of Kenichi Sonoda, Toshimichi Suzuki, Artimic and JVC.

“X-Men” is the property of Stan Lee, the late Jack Kirby and the Marvel Entertainment Group.

“Bubblegum Card Ep.3.1415” is the property of Kris Overstreet and he’s welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him by making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. ;)

(Cue "Card Captor Science Theater 3000 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....)

It's the not-too-distant future,

Last Sunday BC

There was this girl named Sakura

Quite different from you or me

She captured Clow Cards with her friends

All seen through Tomoyo’s camera lens

They tried to save the human race,

But Eriol lost his patience

So he shot them into space!!!!

Sakura: (Hoeeee……)

Syaoran and Tomoyo: (Now what?)

We'll send them crappy fanfics

The worst we can find  (lalala)

They'll have to sit and read them all

And we'll monitor their minds  (lalala)

Now keep in mind they can't control

When the fanfics begin or end  (lalala)

Because, let’s face it, after all

Eriol’s not really their friend;

CARD CAPTOR ROLL CALL:

Meiling:

'HI-KEEBA!!’

Tomoyo:

'Oh-hohohohohohoho!!!'

Syaoran:

'I do NOT blush! (blushes)'

KEROOOOOOO!!!

'I am the guardian of the hell!!'

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe

And other science facts  (lalala)

Then repeat to yourself

*It's just a MiST*

You should really just relax

Sakura: (Did I mention Aeris is here?)

Aeris: (The most kawaii flower girl in RPG history!)

For Card Captor Science Theater 3000!!!

THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

18:45 Hours

“Oh, please…” said Kero as he grabbed a muffin from the tray on the table. “The original ‘Bubblegum Crisis’ was way cooler than the 2040 series.”

The evening had turned into a debate over various anime between Kero and Aeris. Sakura, Tomoyo, Meiling and Yue had been working but had eventually turned away from their stations to listen to the discussion and occasionally add their own opinions.

“It’s dated, Kero,” Aeris retorted. “It was cool when it was made, sure. But let’s face it, now it looks cheesy.”

“But just compare the character design. Kenichi Sonoda’s original character design was much better,” said Kero. “And why couldn’t they just leave Nene as a redhead?”

“Oh, and somehow having Leon as a weenie Priss fanboy was a good idea?” Aeris countered.

“Why the hell are we still listening to this?” Meiling asked.

“It’s either that or work,” Syaoran replied.

“Point taken,” said Meiling.

“Oh, I can think of things we could do,” Sakura said in a sing-song voice as she snuggled up to Syaoran, causing the Chinese boy to blush. Tomoyo giggled, Yue watched with cool detachment and one eyebrow raised and Meiling just scowled.

Yue cast a sidelong glance at the control panel where the red light began to flash. “It appears that Dr. Hiiragazawa is calling.”

“By the way,” said Kero. “Why did all the hard suits have high heels?”

“Hell, why did the soft suits have to have those low cut necklines anyway?” Aeris added.

Ignoring both of them, Tomoyo gave the button a smack.

DEEP 13

Dr. Eriol Hiiragazawa was busy fanning away the smoke that filled the lab. He coughed a couple of times and tried to brush the soot from his lab coat. Behind him his two assistants TV’s Ruby Moon and Spinel Sun were looking equally singed around the edges.Ruby Moon scowled as the tried to untangle her hair.

“Ah… If it isn’t Charlie’s Angels,” said Eriol, eliciting a scowl from Syaoran. “Suppi’s latest attempt to create a Clow card seems to have gone somewhat awry.”

“Well, it’s not easy doing magic with paws,” Spinel replied trying to smooth out his dark fur. “And don’t call me Suppi!”

“I’ll call you Mud if I feel like it, *Suppi*,” Eriol growled.

“I told you not to let him make Clow cards but noooo…” Ruby Moon muttered.

“Anyway…”Eriol continued, ignoring Ruby Moon’s outburst. “I guess you’ll have to go ahead without us.”

THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

“It’s called ‘The Doujinshi’ card!” Kero said cheerfully holding up a Clow card.

“I don’t think I want to know why you created that,” Sakura said dryly.

DEEP 13

“Well, duckies, it’s amusing that you were all debating the vales of ‘Bubblegum Crisis’,” said Eriol with a smirk. “This week’s experiment is quite a doozy. It’s a ‘Bubblegum Crisis’ would-be crossover from the notorious author of ‘Bubblegum Pink’.”

“Oh no…” Kero moaned. “Not Overstreet.”

“Yes Overstreet!” Eriol chuckled. “Get ready for ‘Bubblegum Card Ep. 3.1415’! Bite down hard, my friends.”

“Hope you have good dental work…” Ruby Moon muttered as she fed the fanfic into the console.

THE SATELLITE OF LOVE

“So how bad was this ‘Buublegum Pink’ fic, Kero?” Aeris asked.

“Let me put it this way,” Kero replied. “It was a lemon heavy with raunchy sex scenes and I *still* hated it.”

“Oh, yikes…” said Tomoyo.

Suddenly, alarms and sirens rang out.

“OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!” Sakura cried out.

(Door 6: It’s a giant Clow card. Sakura changes it into a Sakura card and it disappears.)

(Door 5: It’s a labyrinth. You smash through it with Kaho’s bell.)

(Door 4: It’s a waterfall. You freeze it and smash through.)

(Door 3: It’s a giant box of living plushies. It tips over and the plushies run off giggling.)

(Door 2: It’s a Venetian blind. You spend five minutes trying to get it to roll up before cutting through it with scissors.)

(Door 1: It’s made of concrete. The plushies come back with construction equipment and reduce it to dust.)

(Door .7: The camera pans downward to a teleporter pad. You step onto it and are suddenly surrounded by bright light..)

Sakura, Syaoran, Tomoyo and Aeris are teleported directly into their seats while Kero-Chan floats overhead.

>redneck@txdirect.net (Kris Overstreet)

Syaoran: That address seems appropriate.

Kero:<Jeff Foxworthy> If the biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart… you might be a redneck.

>(The following was written late at night and in a hurry.

Aeris: So much for quality control.

Kero:<Dr. Bill Cortner> I’ve got to hurry.

>It is being posted to Usenet by popular demand.)

Sakura: Who knew there were so many masochists on usenet?

Tomoyo: Well considering how long they endured Ratliff, I’d say a few.

> 2033

> A Nasty Rumor of the Knight Sabers

Kero: Leon was telling everyone that Priss had implants.

Sakura: Kero…

> BUBBLE GUM CARD Ep. 3.1415

Syaoran: The famous missing piece of the “pi”.

> The Dark Chocolate Phoenix Saga With Sprinkles

Aeris: With whipped cream and a cherry on top!

> The space station eploded into a brilliant fireball behind the

>KnightStar.

Tomoyo: Ummm… Okay.

Sakura: Well, that was anti-climactic.

Aeris: “Eploded”?

>The retreating Knight Sabre shuttlecraft attempted to drop

>beneath the explosion and debris on an emergency reentry vector, jinking

>slightly with the OMS thrusters to avoid larger chunks of debris.

Kero: “Jinking”?! What the hell is “jinking”?!

Syaoran: Kris’s technobabble clearly needs work.

> Large bits of the former GENOM weapons platform still found the

>shuttle, however, and large chunks of the ship's upper radiation shielding

>and maneuvering systems were improbably knocked away,

Sakura: …leaving yawning holes in the story

>leaving the forward cockpit exposed to the radiation of the lower Van Allen belt just below

>while leaving the crew compartment behind completely safe.

Tomoyo: How that would work out we’ll never know.

Kero: Smile and nod, guys.

> "Well, there went the shielding," Priss said, not having read the

>previous paragraph. "What do we do now?"

Aeris: Oy vey…

Syaoran:<Kris> See! It’s funny! Laugh, damn you! Laugh!!

> "We go back in the crew compartment," Sylia said, having kept track

>in the script. "The shielding should be quite adequate there."

Tomoyo: RUMBLE, RUMBLE! CRASH!!

Sakura:<Priss> What was that?! Did the hull breach?!

Aeris:<Sylia> Nah. That was just the fourth wall being blown to dust.

> "Doesn't someone have to steer this thing?" Linna asked in order to

>advance the plot.

Kero: Ha, ha, ha! Kill me.

Syaoran: Kris’ humor writing needs work.

> "Hm. Well, that's what Mackie's for," Sylia shrugged.

> "What?!?" Mackie gasped. "You're just gonna let me fry out here?"

> "Serves you right for peeping on your own sister,"

All: Eeeeewwww…

Kero: For God’s sake, Kris! Wasn’t “Bubblegum Pink” enough for you?!

Syaoran:<Kris, redneck voice> Well, thinkin’ a yer sister that way ain’t bad. Hell, I married mine, a yup.

>Sylia allowed herself a small grin. "Maybe dying a horrible painful death from radiation

>poisoning will teach you not to be a pervert."

Tomoyo: Possible. But I doubt it.

Sakura: She’s willing to let her brother die in excruciating pain! It’s FUNNY!

Aeris: Where is all this radiation coming from anyway?

Syaoran: It’s a Marvel plot. There’s always radiation.

Sakura: Or cosmic rays.

Tomoyo: Or gamma rays.

Kero: Or all of the above.

> "No," Nene said, "I'll do it."

Aeris:<Nene> Anything to get out of this fanfic sooner.

> "You'll do what?" Priss asked.

> "I'll fly the ship down," she said. "My hard suit should protect me

>from the radiation."

Sakura: Well, *that’s* convenient.

Tomoyo: I didn’t even know she was wearing it.

Kero: Where’s Wishbringer when you need him?

> "You've never flown so much as a kite in your life," Sylia gasped.

Aeris:<Nene> I have too! But Black Rose sure was pissed about… Oh… Sorry. My bad!

Sakura: Aeris…

Kero: Should we be making .Hack// riffs when the only series of that we’ve seen is .Hack//Dusk?

Syaoran: Well, if you can come up with a clean Shugo/Rena riff, go right ahead.

> "Don't argue, don't argue!" Mackie said. "Here's the stick, those

>fire the rockets, been nice knowing you!" he gasped as he rushed into the

>crew compartment before anyone could voice another objection.

All:<singing> Sir Mackie ran away! He bravely ran away, away!

> "Well," Linna said, "any other ideas?"

Sakura:<Priss> We could activate the self-destruct and get out of this fic all the faster.

> "None here," Priss shrugged. "Boss?"

Kero:<Boss Hogg> How many times do I need to tell you numbskulls? Go out there and git them Duke boys!

Syaoran:<Rosco P. Coltrane> Yes, sir. I love it! I love it!

> "I admit I have no other alternatives." Leaning forward, she kissed

>Nene passionately, bringing the redhead sputtering and coughing to

>attention.

Kero: Whoa! Hello!

Sakura: Kero…

Aeris:<Nene> Don’t you ever come up for air?!

Sakura: Aeris…

> "What was that for?" she gasped.

Aeris:<Nene> And next time could you use less tongue?

Kero: Hee, hee, hee!

Sakura: Knock it off!

> "Well, it says here in the script that the leader kisses the Martyr

>Girl goodbye."

All:<singing> Go on and kiss her… Good-byyyyyyee. Na, na, na, NA! Na, na, na, NA! Hey! Hey! Hey! Good-byyyyeee!

> "Let me see that script!" Nene scanned through the script angrily,

>then flipped back to the cover. "What the hell? This is the script from the

>original X-Men story!" she grumbled.

All:<muted trumpet imitation> Wah-wah-wah-waaaah!

Syaoran: It’s times like this when “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider” seems like a well written and plotted storyline.

Kero: Hey! I liked “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider”!

Syaoran: You would.

>She withdrew a different script from her hardsuit, grumbling, "Here, use -this- one."

Sakura: Once again we see the famed directorial flair of Nabiki Tendo that made “The Ranma ½ Cast Does CCS” so special.

> "Oh," Sylia blushed. "Well, sorry," she said. "Although I must

>confess it -was- rather pleasant..."

Tomoyo: Geez… Could we knock off the lesbian innuendo?

Aeris: You’re one to talk, dear.

> "HEY!" Priss shouted. "What about us?"

> "Shh!" Sylia gasped. "That's only in Bubble Gum Pink, Sweetling!"

All: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Kero: FOR GOD’S SAKE, KRIS! NO CALLBACKS!! PLEASE!

> "NO!" Priss shouted. "I mean, shouldn't we be in the crew

>compartment by now?"

Tomoyo:<Sylia> Oh, yeah. Our immenent deaths… Duh!

> "Oh. Right." Sylia, Priss and Linna all scrambled into the

>compartment. "Bye, now," Sylia waved, and the doors slid shut.

Syaoran: Then Nene was finally able to get into the escape pod without being seen.

Sakura:<Nene> So long, you loads!

> "Cool," Nene said, sliding into the pilot's seat. "Now, how do you

>fly one of these things?"

Aeris:<Nene> Hell… I’ll just push all the buttons until something blows up.

Kero: Maybe she should have thought of this *before* she volunteered?

> The KnightStar waddled through the Van Allen belt, thoroughly

>frying the lone occupant of the control cabin. Nene had managed to steer

>around the decrepit Mir station,

Syaoran: The same Mir station that crashed some time ago.

All Others: D’OH!

>through the framework of Space Station

>Freedom, and once around the Moon just to prove how ludicrous the idea of

>her driving anything bigger than her motor scooter was.

Sakura: Hey, she hasn’t hit anything yet so she must be pretty good.

Kero: Once again, where the hell is the radiation coming from?

> Sweat dripped down her softsuit, as the cabin temperature rose

>higher and her radiation count went past the lethal level into the Jello

>Brand Instant Pudding range.

Aeris: Which relates to radiation how?

Tomoyo: Kris, when choosing a funny analogy, try something vaguely relevant next time.

>Her eyes could no longer focus on the controls, and for some strange reason she wanted to go

>to a disco and dance to old Bee Gees songs.

Syaoran: She really *is* losing it.

Kero: As opposed to her usual inclination to shoot the Bee Gees on sight.

> It says something about Nene's piloting skill that the ship flew

>more smoothly with her hands trembling and useless than with her in

>control.

Tomoyo: Geez… Quit picking on the poor girl, Kris.

Aeris: Nene had pushed the handy plot contrivance button.

> As her eyesight began to darken for the dramatically appropriate

>last time, a flash of light appeared beside her in the cabin.

Kero: Hey! It’s Q! He’ll know what to do!

>A little flaming parakeet waddled up onto the console and chirped, "Well, you sure

>are in a bad way, aren't you?"

Sakura:<Nene> Yep. Trapped in another crappy Overstreet fanfic.

Tomoyo:<Nene> You’re one to talk. You’re on fire.

Kero:<parakeet> So I am…. ARGHHHHH!!!

> "Who are you?" Nene asked.

Syaoran:<Kenichi> Who are you?

Sakura:<Tima> Who are you?

Syaoran:<Kenichi> No. I asked what your name was.

Sakura:<Tima> What is your name?

Syaoran:<Kenichi> No, wait…

Tomoyo: Ladies and Gentlemen, the “Metropolis” sketch!

> "You haven't heard of me? I'm the Phoenix, embodiment of the second

>most powerful force in this universe, inferior only to Ken'ichi Sonoda

>himself!"

Syaoran: Well, I guess creating “Gunsmith Cats” and “Riding Bean” is enough to ensure Godhood.

Aeris: Yeah. But before Sonoda gets God status I think we should give that gift to Hayao Miyazaki and probably Kosuke Fujishima…

Aeris: And the members of CLAMP, of course.

Kero: That’s better.

> "No, I've heard of you," Nene shrugged. "It's just in the script."

Kero: CRASH! RUMBLE! CRASH!

Aeris:<Phoenix> Listen, kid. If you want my help, QUIT BREAKIN’ THE FOURTH WALL!!

> "Oh." The parakeet-Phoenix paused to preen its beak before

>continuing, "Anyway, I'd say you need some help."

Sakura:<Nene> You THINK?!

Tomoyo: Thank you, Mr. Obvious.

> "Who asked you?" Nene asked.

> "Don't interrupt," the Phoenix said. "Here's the deal. I seal you

>up in a magic pod which will heal your injuries without a trace of cancer

>or mutation or anything and dump you in Tokyo Bay.

Aeris: …where you’ll drown or asphyxiate when the air runs out.

>Then I take your form and memories and play at being you until I go horribly insane and destroy

>your pathetic little world. Deal?"

Syaoran: No! Take what’s behind Door #2!

Sakura: No! The Box!

> "Now wait a minute," Nene gasped.

> "I knew you'd understand," the parakeet nodded, and suddenly a new

>Nene, in a brand-new Marvel-trademarked green hardsuit with a golden sash

>on it, appeared before her.

Tomoyo: Nene’s wardrobe courtesy Sylia’s of Hollywood.

Kero: Now she’s got the same look as Sam in “Totally Spies”!

>"Now if you'll excuse me, hon, you're in the

>way."

Kero:<macho> Step aside and let the *men* do all the real work, honey.

> "But-" Nene barely got the interjection begun before she was cut

>off by her abrupt disappearance, which of course will distract anyone from

>what they were saying before.

Syaoran: Nene Romanova *IS* the Invisible Girl!

Sakura: Now you see her, now you don’t!

Tomoyo: Great. Now it’s a Fantastic Four story too.

> "Now then," Phoenix-Nene giggled, "how do you fly one of these

>things?"

Aeris: Kris, if you’re going to use a running gag it would help if it was funny the first time.

> A giant flaming bird screeched across the skies of Mega-Tokyo,

Sakura: Uh-oh! Someone set “The Fly” card on fire!!

>at the center of which rode the scarred, charred, and highly value-depreciated

>KnightStar. With a scream of apparent pain, it descended into the heart of

>the Canyons, finally crashing to earth in the absolute worst part of town.

Tomoyo: The spaceship screamed in pain?

Syaoran: Soon after their landing, Daniel Day-Lewis and his band of thugs surrounded the ship.

> The flaming bird shook its head, looked around it in apparent

>disgust, and flapped its crimson wings, lifting the shuttle in its claws

>and carrying it over to a higher-rent district, finally dumping the shuttle

>in front of a Baskin-Robbins.

Sakura: Hey! Product placement!

Aeris: Then to a McDonald’s and a Wal-mart…

>Nodding with satisfaction, the bird vanished,

>and with an anticlimactic thunk the hull of the shuttle collapsed,

>revealing the Knight Sabers strapped into their seats, heads bowed in

>fervent prayer.

Kero: So… the shuttle fell apart then?

Sakura: They just don’t build ‘em like they used to.

Syaoran: Actually some street thugs had stripped all the parts for a local shuttle chop shop.

> Priss paused from her prayer, which sounded like "(lordifyougetme

>outtathisoneIpromiseIwon'tusebadlanguageandI'llchangemysingingcostumeandI

>won'tmakefunofNenenomatterwhatandI'llneverspeedagainaslongasIliveohlord

>pleasegetmeouttahere)" and looked around.

Tomoyo: Priss took speech lessons from Nanami Kiryuu, I see.

>"Um, people?" she muttered to nobody in particular.

Sakura:<Priss> Um… Hello? Somebody?

> "Not now," Linna gasped, "I'm trying to make peace with my

>ancestors."

Aeris: She sounds like a cowardly Motoko Aoyama.

Syaoran: Or the real Motoko Aoyama when faced with her older sister.

Tomoyo: Sound like someone *I* know. <glances at Syaoran>

Syaoran: Hey!

> "We're down," Priss said.

Kero:<Priss, funky voice> Yo’, holmes! We is down with it, booooy!

Sakura:<sweatdrops> Okaaaaayy…

> "Are we?" Sylia opened her own eyes and looked around. "Oh... so we

>are," she said. "Oh good."

Tomoyo: She doesn’t seem very excited about it.

Aeris:<Sylia, monotone> Whew. We are still alive. What a relief.

> Mackie said to nobody in particular, "Um, Lord, if you could see

>fit to give me just a -little- leeway, I mean is one nudie magazine a month

>too much to ask..."

Kero<Mackie> If I cancel my Playboy subscription now, I can’t get a refund. You understand, right?

Sakura: Kero…

> "We're down, pervert," Priss barked, unbuckling her seatbelt. "You

>can quit making deals with the Almighty now."

Aeris:<Priss> ARF! ARF! RUFF!

Tomoyo:<Sylia> What’s that, Priss? Timmy is stuck down a well?

> "I hope Nene's okay," Linna said.

> "So do I, but I am not exactly confident," Sylia said. "After all,

>hard radiation can't have been good for the girl."

Syaoran: The power of understatement…

Sakura: Yes?

Syaoran: …is lost on this fic.

Sakura: Yes.

> "ACTUALLY," a loud and overly perky voice shouted, "I FEEL GREAT!"

Kero: Oh no! It’s Fran Dresher!

> The remaining bulkhead ripped down the middle, admitting a

>helmetless Nene in brand-new armor. "Wow, Nene," Priss gasped, "what

>heppened to you?"

Syaoran: Huh… “heppened”? When did Priss acquire a Russian accent?

Kero: That accent would be better on Nene.

Kero: ‘Cause her name’s Romanova, see.

Kero: It sounds Russian…

Tomoyo:<Madison Taylor> Whatever…

Sakura:<Priss, Russian accent> Vat has heppened here? Ve had better report zis to ze KGB.

> "WELL," Nene shouted, "I WAS ABOUT TO KEEL OVER AND DIE WHEN THIS

>THING CALLED THE PHOENIX MERGED WITH ME AND NOW I'M ALL-POWERFUL AND COSMIC

>AND STUFF! ISN'T IT SO COOL?"

Aeris:<Nene> I ALSO GOT THIS REALLY COOL NEW MEGAPHONE! ISN’T IT NEAT?!

Sakura:<Nene a la Mike Myers> Although I seem to be having trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!

> "Ah.... yeah," Priss shrugged.

Aeris:<Haruka Urashima> Yare, yare…

> "I would certainly like to examine you as soon as possible," Sylia

>said thoughtfully. "You seem to have changed radically."

Tomoyo: She’s better, stronger, faster than she was before!

Sakura: Nene Romanova *IS* “The Six Million Dollar Knight Saber”!

> "NAH, I'M STILL THE SAME NICE TOTALLY SANE AND NOT MEGALOMANIACAL

>AND CUTE CUTE CUTE NENE!" Nene-Phoenix smiled. "SO, WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?"

Kero: I’d tell her to get me a double chocolate chip, but I think I’ve gone deaf.

> "(Yeah, -I'm- reassurred,)" Priss whispered.

> Suddenly, Priss flew up from her feet and slammed into the bulkhead

>behind her.

Syaoran: What bulkhead? I thought the shuttle fell apart. Continuity!

>"ARE YOU CALLING ME CRAZY?" Nene-Phoenix growled.

Aeris:<Nene> YOU *KNOW* WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST PERSON WHO CALLED ME CRAZY, PRISS!!

> "Who? You? Crazy? Hahahaha!" Priss grinned, trying to ignore the

>invisible grip pinning her to the wall. "That's silly! You're the sanest

>person I know!"

Sakura: Considering this series, that may be the truth.

Tomoyo: Ouch!

> "GOOD," Nene-Phoenix grinned, "NOW, LET'S GO EAT ICE CREAM!"

Aeris:<Nene> I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!

> "YUM!" Nene smiled, paying no attention to the open stares of the

>other Knight Sabres, or the stares of other patrons staring at the Knight

>Sabres.

Syaoran: Patrons? What patrons?

>"I WANT MORE!" she shouted, pounding the table and rattling the

>dozens of bulk ice cream cartons piled around their table.

Kero: Wha--? Did we miss a jump cut or something?

> "I'm sorry, ma'am," the manager of the Baskin-Robbins gasped, "but

>we're all out. You've eaten everything we have."

Sakura:<manager> All thirty-one flavors are gone!

Tomoyo:<Madison Taylor> Way to change the scenes, Kris!

> "I WON'T STAND FOR THIS!" Nene-Phoenix growled. Flames licked up

>around her, resembling an irate parakeet for a moment before expanding into

>a more graceful phoenix shape.

Sakura:<Nene> SO I’LL JUST HAVE TO SIT FOR IT!

> "Now, Nene," Sylia said quietly, "don't you think it would be a

>good idea to calm down and go get some rest?"

> "FOOL! I NO LONGER REQUIRE SLEEP!" Nene floated above the floor,

>spreading her arms and flexing them.

Kero: She never should have had all that coffee ice cream.

Tomoyo: Dialogue coaching by Loud Howard.

>"I AM THE ALL-POWERFUL DARK NENE! MY WILL IS LAW! ALL THOSE WHO OPPOSE

>MY ALMIGHTY CUTENESS SHALL BE DESTROYED! AND *I* *WANT* *MORE* ***ICE CREAM!!!!!***"

Kero:<Nene> I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL NENE!!! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE SHORT HAIRED BLONDE

BEHIND THE CURTAIN!!

Sakura: Cute…

>With this shout, she raised an arm and blew out the window of the ice cream shop, slowly floating out into

>the street.

Kero: A yes, the old slowly, floating shtick.

Sakura: She’s an easy target now, folks… Any time you’re ready…

> The Knight Sabers leaped out after her. "We have to stop her!"

>Linna gasped.

Tomoyo:<Linna> At that speed she’ll be gone in three, maybe four hours!

> "It's too late! She's lost control!" Priss shrugged, shivering with

>distaste at the blatantly bad Marvel dialogue.

Kero:<Scotty> I cannae control it anymore, Captain!

Syaoran: As opposed to blatantly bad Overstreet dialogue?

Aeris: And, let’s face it, Image has had its fair share of dumb lines too.

> Sylia ran after the slow-moving Phoenix, shouting, "Nene! Please,

>stop it! Stop it now!"

Kero:<Bart Simpson> OW! Quit it! OW! Quit it! OW! Quit it! OW! Quit it! OW! Quit it!

Aeris:<Sylia> Stop, Nene! In the name of love!

Sakura: So Sylia can’t even catch up with Nene when she’s just slowly floating down the street?

Tomoyo:<Sylia> Damn, show-off snails keep rushing past me…

> The all-powerful creature paid her no attention. Instead, she

>reached out and grabbed a bystander in her flaming claw and shouted, "ICE

>CREAM! BRING ME ICE CREAM!!"

Aeris: She’s like a really bratty version of the Balrog from “Lord Of The Rings”.

Sakura:<Sylia a la Gandalf> YOU SHALL NOT *PASS*!!

> The bystander, not having been paid to speak in this spamfic,

>promptly fainted.

Syaoran: Another graduate of the Ensign Thowaway Extras Academy.

> "USELESS," Nene-Phoenix mumbled, discarding the limp body. She

>glanced around, looking for alternative sources of sweets- and her eyes

>found the towering hulk that was the GENOM Tower.

Aeris: The tower had a tendency to run and leap in very unconvincing CG sequences.

Sakura: Cute…

> "YES!!" Nene-Phoenix shouted. "THEY WILL HAVE ICE CREAM!" With a

>loud cry, the Phoenix spread its wings and streaked away towards the

>immense monolith.

>The other Knight Sabres ran after her, but stopped when

>it became apparent how quickly the firebird was moving.

Tomoyo:<Priss>Wow! Pontiac’s sure made some improvements to this year’s model.

> "Well, what now?" Priss said, disgusted.

> Sylia stepped out to the curb and shouted, "TAXI!"

Sakura:<Sylia> What we need is an old sit-com with Danny DeVito, Tony Danza, Christopher Lloyd and Andy Kauffman!

Tomoyo: Very funny, Sakura-chan…

> "CHAIRMAN QUINCY!" Dark Nene shouted, floating in on her infernal

>wings to the executive office of the GENOM lord. "I DEMAND YOUR ICE CREAM

>NOW!"

Kero: Jack Klugman’s here?

Syaoran:<Quincy> It’s going to be a long night, Sam.

> Quincy, who had been in mid-plot with his executive hatchet woman

Tomoyo: Lizzie Borden?

>Madigan, paused and turned to the flaming hardsuited redhead and said, "Ah.

>You make the second god to grace this office so far. I am honored."

Kero:<dryly> Who was the first?

> "REALLY?" Dark Nene grinned.

Syaoran:<Quincy> No. Now get out of my sight. You sicken me.

> "Really," Quincy smiled. "You know, someone with your power, your

>skill, your unremitting cuteness, you could do very well for yourself in

>GENOM..."

Kero:<Quincy a la Darth Vader> Join me, Nene, and together we shall rule the galaxy.

> "Mr. Chairman, sir," Madigan warned, "I think she's already been

>turned to the Dark Side..."

Sakura: Well, that will save him some time at least.

Tomoyo:<Darth Vader> You don’t know the *power* of the Dark Side…

> "ONLY IF IT'S A CHOCOLATE SUNDAE. WITH LOTS OF SPRINKLES!" Dark

>Nene smiled, licking her lips. "NOW, GIMME ICE CREAM!"

> "Certainly," Quincy smiled. "Would you like anything else?"

Syaoran:<Quincy> You want fries with that?

> "ANYTHING ELSE?" Dark Nene thought for a moment, smiling. "WHY,

>THAT'S RIGHT! I CAN HAVE CAKE, AND CANDY, AND COKES AND MARSHMALLOW KRISPY

>TREATS AND ALL SORTS OF SWEET GOODIES! GIVE THEM TO ME!"

Sakura:<dryly> Sounds like someone we know.

Kero: Hey!

> "KNIGHT SABRES- SANJO!" Sylia's voice cut through the tension like

>something really sharp cutting something really easy to cut.

Aeris: The fanfic was worded like a very incompetent document written by someone lacking competence.

> "If we're speaking English, why are you giving us orders in

>Japanese?" Priss asked.

Tomoyo:<Sylia> I’m turning Japanese!

Sakura:<Linna> You already *are* Japanese!

Kero: FOR THE LAST FRIGGIN’ TIME, KRIS!! QUIT SCREWING WITH THE FOURTH WALL!!!

> "Never mind!" Sylia shouted. "Nene- you have to fight it! Don't let

>the Phoenix devour you. And other Marvel phrases!"

Kero: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH….

Kero: Oy… My head…

Sakura: Well… That was… interesting…

> "TOO LATE!" Dark Nene smiled. "I AM DARK NENE THE ALL-POWERFUL...

>WAIT, I DID THIS SPEECH ALREADY. ANYWAY, ALL THE SWEETS IN MEGA-TOKYO ARE

>MINE- EVEN THE MILKY WAY BARS THE CHAIRMAN HAS IN HIS DESK!"

Aeris: Well, if those don’t kill her, I don’t know what will.

> "uh-oh," Quincy murmured, sensing his negotiating position take a

>sudden downward turn.

Syaoran:<Quincy> How about if I include a second round draft pick?

> "Um, Sylia," Linna asked, "how are we supposed to fight her?"

> "I have no idea," Sylia shrugged. "Maybe a miracle will happen."

Tomoyo:<Sylia> Or a plot contrivance. You know… Whatever.

> Suddenly, a young woman in what appeared to be a fancy white lab

>coat ran in carrying a long mallet.

Kero: Uh-oh! Ritsuko Akagi’s snapped again! RUN FOR IT!!

Sakura:<Ritsuko, crazy> CLONES! CLONES! EVERYWHERE CLONES!!!

>The black hair jumbled messily around

>her face framed a set of blue tatoos whose description is so detailed and

>irritating that it'll be easier for me to just say that it's Skuld,

Syaoran: So why didn’t you?

Sakura: Yes. It’s yet another sad attempt at fic padding.

>and that she swung her mallet Bjarrnil on high and hit Dark Nene square atop

>the head.

Sakura:<Skuld> NENE NO BAKA!!

Tomoyo: WHAM!!

> Dark Nene collapsed to the ground and promptly turned into a Bug,

>who was squashed a moment later by the Goddess. "There," she said, "that

>takes care of her." She checked a small note pad and muttered, "One deus ex

>machina plot resolution, delivered on schedule. There!"

Aeris: You’ve got to be kidding!

Sakura:<sighs> Ladies and gentlemen, the punchline…

>Smiling and waving at the Knight Sabres, she grinned, "Sorry for the trouble! Bye-bye!" and

>ran back out of the office.

Syaoran: Skuld, ladies and gentlemen! She’ll be here all week!

> The Knight Sabres gaped at the spot where Dark Nene had been a

>moment before, looked at each other, looked at a shell-shocked Quincy and

>Madigan.

Sakura: For once, I can understand where they’re coming from.

Kero: Doesn’t anyone memorize their lines anymore?

>FInally, Sylia muttered, "Ah, pardon us," and the Knight Sabres

>returned from whence they came, wherever that was.

Tomoyo: What? You mean Sylia’s shop?

Kero: You know a fanfic is getting sloppy when it can’t even remember its own locations.

> Quincy just stared in shock out the broken windows, and in the

>silence Madigan asked:

Aeris:<Madigan> Hey! How did those windows get broken anyway?

> "So, sir... may I have one of those candy bars?"

Kero:<Quincy> NO! THEY’RE MINE, I TELL YOU MINE!!

> "Nene's dead," Priss sighed, stripping off her hardsuit listlessly.

All: GAH!!

Tomoyo: In public?!

Sakura: Whole weird area, hard to port, Captain!

> "Yes," Sylia nodded, "I suppose she must be."

> "I'm not dead," Nene said.

All: GAH!!

Kero: Don’t DO that!

> "I'll miss her," Linna said. "She was so perky and cheerful..."

> "I said, I'm not dead. I'm really feeling much better," Nene said.

Syaoran: She was only *mostly* dead.

> "She was really something else," Priss agreed. "Won't be the sameb

>without her."

> "I said, I'M NOT DEAD!!"

Sakura:<Nene> Geez… Now I know how Paul McCartney felt.

> The Knight Sabers and Mackie all turned to see Nene, in the ruins

>of her old hardsuit and with a bad sunburn, standing in the doorway.

>"Nene!" Sylia gasped. "What happened?"

Aeris:<Nene> I forgot my Coppertone when I went to the beach this morning.

> "Well, this weirdo parakeet calling itself a phoenix locked me in a

>pod and dropped me in the bay. I waited for a bit while it got rid of all

>the radiation poisoning and then I broke out and swam to shore and here I

>am."

Syaoran: Never mind that Kris wasted our time explaining this to us *earlier*.

> "Oh, good!" Priss smiled. "Now we can have the scheduled ironic

>happy ending!"

Tomoyo: What’s ironic about it?

Sakura: Kris must have learned his definition of irony from Alanis Morrissette.

> "Do we have to?" Mackie grumbled.

> "Yes, we do," Sylia nodded, "it's expected of wacky spamfics like

>this."

Sakura: And at this point the fanfic just gives up and quietly sticks its head in the wood chipper.

> "Oh, all right," Mackie sulked. "Say the line, Nene."

Tomoyo:<Nene> Okay… *ahem* The end!

All:<monotone> Yay…

> "Okay," Nene smiled innocently and chirped, "So, can we go get some

>ice cream?"

> On cue and in perfect choreography, all the others fainted.

Aeris: Cue laugh track. Fade to black

> * * * * *

> With absolutely NO respect to Chris Claremont

Kero: Or anyone else for that matter.

> Kris Overstreet, April 1997

> Redneck

Syaoran:<Jeff Foxworthy> If you have a matching set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side…

Sakura: Well, looks like that’s it.

Kero: Ugh… Thank God… I’ve seen some lame parodies but yikes…. I mean, Kris is supposed to be making fun

of the X-Men franchise but all he really does is accuse them of goofy plotting and occasional bad dialogue.

Aeris: And nobody really *does* anything in this story. Nene gets to shout really loud and the other Knight Sabers

get to stand around and gawk at her.

Syaoran: The humor is a complete waste. The Jell-O/Radiation gag, the Deus Ex Machina gag, the “ironic ending” gag.

None of it is funny and sometimes it’s downright painful.

Tomoyo: And it’s not like Kris has any humorous insights into Marvel plots or anything else. I guess he assumes because he’s

calling the Dark Phoenix saga stupid that that’s enough to make the story funny too.

Sakura: Well, enough chatter. Let’s get out of here.

THE HOLOCABANA

The “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” theme blared and the audience cheered as Aeris’ voice suddenly rang out. “Good evening everybody and welcome to ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’. On tonight’s show we have… Cherry Blossoms Are Forever, Sakura Kinomoto! Wolves Only Live Twice, Syaoran Li! Tape Another Day, Tomoyo Daidouji! And Dessert Is Not Enough, Kero-Chan! And I’m your host, Aeris Gainsborough, so let’s have some fun!”

Aeris proceeded briskly down the aisle and sat down behind Drew’s desk. “Hello everybody, and welcome to ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’, the show where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. Kind of like Tifa Lockheart’s IQ…”

Loud “oohs” from the audience.

“Ouch!” said Kero.

“Am I sensing some animosity here?” asked Tomoyo.

“No, we can’t kill her off. She’s our fanservice queen…” Aeris muttered.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” said Tomoyo.

“Lousy showoff bit--” Aeris suddenly remembered she was on. “Uh… Anyway, our first game is Scenes From A Hat!” She reached under the desk and pulled out a pink and red top hat. “This game is for everybody. What we did is we got scenes from people in the audience and we put the best ones in this hat.” Aeris explained as the performers took their places.

Aeris reached into the hat and pulled out the first paper. “Okay… Bad ideas for Marvel/BGC cross-overs.”

Sakura and Tomoyo stepped forward.

“Hello, Miss Romanova,” said Tomoyo. “I’m the new massage therapist. You can call me Rogue.”

Audience laughter as Sakura and Tomoyo returned to their places.

Syaoran walked out and Sakura soon joined him.

“Well,” Syaoran began. “We’ve finished the new hardsuits. I made them out of this new stuff called adamantium.”

“That’s great!” Sakura replied. “We’ll need them to storm the boomer headquarters at Genosha!”

More audience laughter. Aeris pulled another sheet of paper. “Bad things that can happen when Knight Sabers are possessed by Dark Phoenix…”

Kero was the first one out. “HEY, BABY! I’M MACKIE STINGRAY! I’LL SET YOUR WORLD ON FIRE! SO WHAT’S YOUR SIGN?!”

Laughter from the audience and Kero is replaced by Sakura. “WOW!! AND PEOPLE THOUGHT MY ROCK CONCERTS WERE LOUD BEFORE! METTALICA, EAT YOUR HEART OUT!!”

More laughter. Sakura is replaced by Tomoyo. “HI, MISS! I’M SYLIA STINGRAY! I OWN THIS STORE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY THAT ON?!”

Audience laughs and Tomoyo is replaced by Syaoran. “I’M NOT ACTUALLY A KNIGHT SABER! I’M JUST THE NAMELESS SAP THAT NENE BEAT UP! NOW WHO WILL HAVE THE LAST LAUGH, HUH?!

The audience and Aeris start to crack up. She pulled another suggestion out of the hat. “Reasons why the Knight Sabers shouldn’t fly space ships.”

All four contestants walked out and Sakura spoke. “We’ll this is a highly sophisticated vessel with very delicate instrumentation, but I believe our backgrounds in clothing design, rock music, police hacking and peeping will see us through!”

The audience broke into further laughter as Aeris turned to the camera. “We’ll be right back with more ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’”

“What do you think, sirs?” Tomoyo asked.

DEEP 13

“Laugh while you can, kiddies,” Eriol said with a sneer. “I have just the thing to unleash on you next time.” He held up a file folder with the name ‘Thinker’ written on it. “Push the button, Ruby Moon.”

“Push the button, Suppi,” said Ruby Moon.

“Bite me,” Spinel Sun hissed. “And I am *not* Suppi!”

Ruby Moon responded by picking Spinel up and smacking him against the button.

THE REAL END

(Feel free to hum ‘Catch You, Catch Me’ as the credits roll.)

Well, another MSTing bites the dust. And “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” is back!! For those who are interested in the MSTing of Overstreet’s “Bubblegum Pink”, check out the Jack Acid area of And MSTing For All Seasons at: http://www.nabiki.com/mst

Also, I’d like to encourage anyone with C&C to write. I love getting e-mail ^-^

Until next time…

-CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)

Season One:

1) The Brain From Planet Arous-A Ranma ½ Fic By Ryoucilo

2) The Mike Rhea Anthology-Ranma ½ Fics By Mike Rhea

(Loves Me, Loves Me Not/ Akane Gets Drained/ Konatsu’s First Kiss)

3) Neon Ranma Evangelion-A Ranma ½ /Neon Genesis Evangelion Fic By Khyron Kingkiller

4) Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 1)-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy

5) Stolen-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou

6) Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 2)-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy

7) The True Power Of Love-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By poshul

8) Marco Polo-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou

9) Madison’s Mystery Crush-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Chocolat*

10) Is It Reality Or Just A Trick?-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker

Season Two:

11) The Next Generation-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By JimAndZazu

12) Caught In The Act-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Second Sailor Destiny

13) The Shadow Leaders-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker

14) Shinji’s Alter-Ego-A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fic By John82

15) Sailor Jupiter Vs. Godzilla-A Sailor Moon Fic By Flashman (Christian A. Rogers)

16) Temples, Captors And Knights (Part 1)-A Card Captor Sakura/Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By Syaoran’s Lovertoy

17) No Need For CardCaptors-A Tenchi Muyo/Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Christina Horton

18) Temples, Captors And Knights (Part 2)-A Card Captor Sakura/Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By Syaoran’s Lovertoy

19) Mother, May I [Take Over The World]-A Pokemon Fic By Mallet Boy

20) Syaoran: Romeo… Not Really-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By Golden Eyed Dragon

Season Three:

21) Harry Potter And the Pantie Raiders-A Harry Potter Fic By Ice Blue X

22) The Unforgettable Promise-A Love Hina Fic By KenshinRC

23) To Find My Dad And Have A Family-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By MoshiMoshiQueen

24) Revolutionary Girl Asuka-A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic By Joyce K. Wakabayashi

25) A Dream Come True-A CardCaptor Sakura Fic By Crystalina Rhapsody Draco

26) The Only Constant-A Star Trek: The Next Generation Fic By Stephen Ratliff

27) The Lionel Dark Anthology-Card Captor Sakura(CardCaptors)/Lord Of The Rings Fics By Lionel Dark

(Signs That Say You’re Like Lionel Dark/ More Signs The You’re Like Elle/ The Scythe Carrier)

28) The Ranma ½ Cast Does CCS-A Ranma ½/CardCaptor Sakura Fic By Matthew Cline

29) Megamon X-A Pokemon/Megaman X Fic By Brock Shale

30) Hotaru Goes To Hogwarts-A Sailor Moon/Harry Potter Fic By Saturn Angels

Season Four:

31) The Bubblehead, The Jerk And The High School-A Sailor Moon/Gundam Wing Fic By Jayde Summers

(w/ short True Search-A Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic By SparkleOfEnergyHeidi)

32) Find You Again-A Vision Of Escaflowne Fic By winged angel

33) The XXX Files-A Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic By Reanna R. King

34) First Release-A CardCaptor Sakura/Ranma ½ Fic By Wishbringer

35) Bubblegum Card-Ep. 3.1415-A Bubblegum Crisis/X-Men Fic By Kris Overstreet

Deep Fried SPAM:

1) Why Not Make A Little Money While Surfing The Net

2) Now Offering For Your “Sensitive” Delight… New And Improved!

Specials:

-Christmas Special-Under The Mistletoe/Tsubasa Gets What He Deserves-Ranma ½ Fics By Mike Rhea

-Summaries Of Suffering Vol. 1-A CCST3K Spin-off By Ciircee and Chelle-Sama

-Summaries Of Suffering Vol. 2-A CCST3K Spin-off By Ciircee and Chelle-Sama

Other MSTings:

Totally Spies Theater 3000:

Season One:

1) What If Meowth Was A Girl?-A Pokemon Fic By Dr. Thinker

2) Sailor Trigger-A Sailor Moon/Chrono Trigger Fic By Sailor Koban

(w/ short BB Hood’s Rampage-A DarkStalkers Fic By FlamingSmileyFace)

> "NAH, I'M STILL THE SAME NICE TOTALLY SANE AND NOT MEGALOMANIACAL

>AND CUTE CUTE CUTE NENE!" Nene-Phoenix smiled. "SO, WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?"

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations

reserved.

Keep Circulating The Fanfics....